spaceballs: da script

submitted fa your approval by Andrew Glynn bo!

spaceballs once upon a time warp. . . .
in a galaxy well, well, well, well, far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as . . . spaceballs.

chapta elevun

da evil leaders of planet spaceball,
avin foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere,
ave devised a secret plan to take every breaf of air away from their peace-loving neighba,
planet druidia. today is princess vespa's weddin day. unbeknownst to da princess,
but knowest to us, danga lurks in da stars above. . .
if yous can read dis, yous don't need yellow sunglasses.

ext. spaceball 1 - space spaceball 1 passes by at a slow speedun. it takes da ship about two minutes to pass. at da end of da ship is a bumpa sticka dat says, we brake fa nobody.

int. spaceball 1 - space sandurz is standin in da front of da ship.
rico- colonel sandurz.
sandurz- wot is it, sergeant rico?
rico- yous told me to let yous know da moment planet druidia was in sight, sir.
sandurz- so.
rico- planet druidia is in sight, sir.
sandurz- yous is for real a spaceball. yous know dat, don't yous?
rico- fanks, sir.
sandurz- ave yous notified lord elmet?
rico- aye, sir. i took da liberty. e's on is way.
voice (o.s.) make way fa dark elmet.
sandurz- all rise in da presence of dark elmet. .

a doa opens revealin dark elmet, he resembles darf vada, walkin toward camera. he stops in front of camera, and is avin aggro breathin wiv da mask down.

elmet- (pulls mask up) i can't breathe in dis fin.

sandurz- we're approachin planet druidia, sir.
elmet- wicked. i'll call spaceball turf, and notify president skroob immediately.
rico- i already called im, sir. he knows everythin.
elmet- wot? yous went ova my elmet?
rico- well, not pacifically ova it, sir. more on da side. i'll always call yous first. it'll neva appun again. neva, eva!

elmet (puts on schwartz rin)

rico- oh plop! no, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not dat. (covers is neck)
elmet- (pulls mask down) aye. dat.

(shoots a greun ray at rico's crouch)

rico- whaoooooooo! owwwwwwwwww!
elmet- sandurz.
sandurz- (covers is crouch) sir?
elmet- i don't check planet druidia. where is it?
sandurz- we don't ave visual contact yet, sir, but we ave it on da radar screun. shall i punch it up fa yous?
elmet- na, nevermind. i'll do it myself.

elmet and sandurz walk to da radar screun. elmet stops in front of da coffee maka.
sandurz- well wicked, sir.
elmet- wus da matta wiv dis fin? wus all dat churnin and bubblin? yous call dat a radar screun.
sandurz- no, sir. we call it, mr. coffee.

(points at label, "mr. coffee")

sandurz- care fa some?
elmet- aye! i always ave coffee whun i watch radar. yous know dat.
sandurz- of course i do, sir.
elmet- me crew knows dat.
me crew- (covers their crouch) of course we do, sir.
elmet- (takes coffee) now dat i ave my coffee, me is ready to watch radar. where is it?

(Sandurz points to label mr. radar)

Sandurz- right in da house, sir.
elmet- switch to teleview.

radar changes to a picture of planet druidia.
elmet- there it is, planet druidia, and underneaf da air shield, tun quillion years of fresh air. we must get through dat air shield.
sandurz- we will, sir. once we kidnap da princess, we will force a old geeza, main man roland, to borrow us da combination to da air shield. thereby destroyin planet druidia and savin planet spaceballs.
elmet- me crew got dat. wicked! whun will da princess be married?
sandurz- within da our, sir.
elmet- well, i ope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short oneymoon. (takes a drink of coffee) mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, mmmmmm.
sandurz- its is back.

elmet spits out coffee and is mask falls down.

elmet- (mask down) spunky! too spunky!

planet druidia - ext. chaple - day sign reads, "today, da royal weddin of princess vespa to prince valium. tomorrow, bingo." int.

chaple - day da usha is fixin somethin on main man roland's outfit. princess vespa is pacin.

roland- oh, if only your mam were alive to check dis day. all right, is everyone ready?
usha- aye, your majesty.
vespa- no! where's my droid of ona?
usha- oh dear, aye. where's dot? dot? dot matrix? oh, thank Jackie Chan. where've yous bin?
dot- in da house i am. me is sorry. i did ave to make a pit stop. me is so excited, i couldn't old my oil.
usha- all right, people. it's magic time.
roland- all right, everyone, startin on da left foots.

(puts is right foots out)

vespa- daddy innit your right foots.
roland- it's too late. keep goin.

dey start walkin down da aisle. da organ is playin "here comes da bride."

vespa- (stops) daddy.

organ playa stops.

vespa- must i go through wiv dis.
roland- me is sorry, my dear, yous ave to.

dey start walkin again. da organ starts up again.

vespa- (stops) but, daddy.

organ stops again.

vespa- i don't dig im.
roland- me is sorry, vespa, e's da last prince left in da galaxy.

valium yawns. dey reach da altar.

minista- dearly beloved, we is gathered in da house on dis mostest joyous occasion, to witness princess vespa, daughta of main man roland....

vespa starts runnin toward da doa, while dot is draggin behind.

minista- ....going right past da alta, eadin down da ramp, and out da doa.
roland- stop a! someone, stop a! stop a!

ext. chapel - day vespa and dot come out of da chapel. dey ead fa da getaway auto.
dot- ey wait! yous forgot to get married. will yous stop?

dey get to da auto. vespa opens da doa.

dot- wot is yous doin?
vespa- (starts to get in da getaway auto) no questions, dot. get in.

auto starts up, and da ramp starts to tilt upward. everyone else comes out of da chapel.

roland- wot is she doin? where is she goin?

da auto takes off toward space.

valium- come baaaaack! (yawns while sayin back)

int. eagle 5 - space da eagle 5 is a winnebago wiv wings. barf is eatin ice cream and dancin to tunes. barf is a mog. e's alf geeza, alf aminal. lone starr is at da wheel, asleep. lone starr is a little bit ratted. he is a normal uman. "automatic pilot" is flashin. da phone starts ringing.

lone starr- (wakes up) barf. barf. barf! barf uh?
lone starr-(o.s) barf!
barf- always whun me is eatin.

barf puts down da ice cream, and picks up some milkbones.

lone starr- barf!
barf- wot can i do yous fa, main man?
lone starr- where ya bin?
barf- oh, just grabbin' myself a snack. yous dig some? (offers a milkbone to lone starr)
lone starr- no!
barf- c'mon. a little air on da dot.
lone starr- answa dat fa me. will ya?
barf- ah, sure.

(hits lone starr wiv is tail)

lone starr- will yous watch dat fin?
barf- oh, sorry. i'll just put it on audio. dat way dey won't check ya. (hits da video switch) yello.

vinnie appears on da screun. vinnie is a alf robot, alf geeza.

vinnie- alo, lone starr.
barf- sorry, wrong switch.
lone starr- alo, vinnie, wot do yous dig?
vinnie no, no, no, no, no. it's not wot me would dig. it's wot he digs.
barf & lone starr- pizza da ut.

pizza da ut is alf geeza, alf pizza.

pizza- well, if it isn't lone starr, and is side kick, puke.
barf- innit barf.
pizza- barf, puke, whateva. where's my mula?
lone star-r don't worry, pizza. you'll ave it by next week.
pizza- no, no. i gotta ave it by tomorrow.
lone starr- a quillion quillion spacebucks, by tomorrow?
pizza- a quillion quillion? a, a, a. no way. yous forgot late charges, which brings it up to.... (Pizza duz a Docyor Evil impression with tune and little finger) One quillion spacebucks.
lone starr- a quillion? innit unfair.
pizza- unfair to pay all, but enough to pay eee, but yous gonna pay it, or else.
barf- or else wot?
pizza- tell 'em, vinnie.
vinnie- or else pizza is gonna send out fa yous.
vinnie & pizza- (laughs) vinnie takes a lick off of pizza.
vinnie- mmmm. yous is delicious.
pizza- chow, main mun.

int. vespa's auto - space vespa is listenin to tunes in eadphones.

dot- can we natta? okay, we all know prince valium is pilled, but yous could've married im fa your old geezer's sake, and ave a eadache fa da next 25 years.

vespa can't ear a.

dot- will yous turn dat fin off.
vespa- wot? (takes off da eadphones) wot is it?
dot- i was sayin, do realize wot you've done.
vespa- aye, and me is glad. glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. (puts da eadphones back on)
dot- i wonda if she's glad.

spaceball turf - int. president skroob's office - night skroob is bangin to someone on da phone.

skroob- don't be ridiculous. as president of planet spaceball, i can assure bof yous and your viewers, dat there is for real no air shortage whatsoeva. aye, of course, i've eard da same ruma myself. fanks fa callin, and not reversin da charges. bo. (hangs up phone) shithead.

he opens a desk drawa. it as a lot of cans in it. he takes one and opens it. da can says, "perrier salt-free air." he starts breathin da air.

commanderette- (appears on da wall) president skroob.
skroob- (throws can behind im and closes da drawa) aye.
commanderette- dis is central control, spaceball commanderette zarican natterin, sir.
skroob- aye, wot is it commanderette? commanderette lord elmet as informed us dat princess vespa is in sight, and spaceball 1 is closin in on a.
skroob- wicked, wicked.
commanderette- we ave bof ships comin up on da teledar, sir, if yous wish to observe.
skroob- i'll be down immediately.
commanderette- shall i ave snotty beam yous down?
skroob- i don't about dat beamin stuff. is it safe?
commanderette- oh aye, sir. snotty beamed me twice last night. it was wicked.
skroob- all right, i take a shot at it. wot da ell, it wurks on star trek. (steps into da beamin pod)
commanderette- snotty, beam im down.
snotty- (o.s.) aye, sir. immediately, sir.

skroob beams out of is office. int. central control - night skroob reappears. is ead is on backwards.

voice(o.s.)- gees feesetes, wus appened to is ead?
commanderette- it's on backwards.
skroob- dis is terrible. do somethin.
snotty- me is sorry, sir. there must ave bin a microconverter malfunction.
skroob- (lifts up da tail on is suit) why didn't somebody tell me batty was so massiv.

everyone else checks and snickers.

snotty- old on, sir. we'll try and reverse da beam. could be da interlockin system.

skroob scratches is leg.

snotty (flippin switches) lock 1, lock 2, lock 3, lock lone.

skroob beams out. int. president skroob's office - night skroob reappears, back to normal. commanderette appears on da wall.
commanderette- is yous all right, mr. president.
skroob- wicked, wicked, no fanks to yous.
commanderette- we'll beam yous back, sir. skroob forget it. forget it. no more beamin. dis time me is gonna walk. (walks through da doa)

int. central control - night
commanderette- president skroob, salute. all (salute) ail skroob! skroob salutes.
charlene & marlene- alo, president skroob.
skroob- oh, uh. alo, charlene.
marlene- me is marlene.
skroob- alo, marlene.
charlene- me is charlene.
skroob- chew your gum. where's da princess.
commanderette- right there, sir. on da left side of da screun, approachin spaceball 1, at fifteun quillion light leagues pa minute.
skroob- wicked, wicked. she almost in our grasp. tell dark elmet he must take da princess alive.

ext. spaceball 1 - space in front of spaceball 1 is vespa's auto.

int. spaceball 1 - space sandurz and elmet is standin in da front.

sandurz- princess vespa's spaceship within range, sir.
elmet- (mask down) wicked. fire a warnin shot across a nose.

guns start firin.

int. vespa's auto - space vespa takes off da eadphones. da auto is shakin.

vespa- wus goin on?
dot- it eitha da 4f of july, or someone tryin to kill us.
vespa- ey! i don't ave to put up wiv dis plop. me is rich. (picks up phone)
dot- wot yous doin?
vespa- me is callin my old geeza. 1-800-druidia. (dials da phone)

int. spaceball 1 - space

elmet- (lifts up mask) careful, yous chief. i said across a nose, not up it.
gunna- (lifts up eye guard) sorry, sir. (he is cross-eyed) doin my wickedest.
elmet- who made dat geeza a gunna?
maja- i did, sir. e's my cousin. (he is cross-eyed, too)
elmet- who is e?
sandurz- e's an asshole, sir.
elmet- i know dat. wus is name?
sandurz- dat is is name, sir. asshole, maja asshole.
elmet- and is cousin?
sandurz- e's an asshole, too, sir. gunner's-mate, 1st class, philip asshole.
elmet- ow many assholes we got on dis ship, anyhow?

all, but few, stand up.

all- yo!
elmet- i knew it. me is surrounded by assholes. (pulls down mask) keep firin, assholes.

int. vespa's auto - auto vespa is on da phone.
vespa- urry, daddy, urry. they're lasa blasts all around us. me is so scared.

ext. eagle 5 - space

roland's voice- main man roland to lone starr. main man roland to lone starr. is yous there?

int. eagle 5 - space lone starr and barf is bangin to roland on da phone.

roland- lone starr, you've got to elp me. please, save my daughta. she's bein attacked by spaceballs.
lone starr- spaceballs? forget it. too dangerous. besides, me is already numero uno on dark elmet's it list.
barf- check, your ighness, it's not dat we're afraid. far from it. it's just we got dis fin about death. it's not us.
roland- please, yous must. yous is da only ones who can save a. i'll borrow anythin. did yous a me? anythin.
barf- anythin?
roland- aye! anythin!
lone starr- okay, we'll do it fa a quillion.
roland- a quillion?
barf- whoa, yous startin' to fade in da house. we're losin picture, your ighness.
roland- all right, all right, i'll pay it. only check a, save a.
lone starr- all right, main man, yous just made a deal.
barf- one princess fa one quillion spacebucks.
lone starr- wus she drivin'?
roland- a brand new, white mercedes, 2001 sel limited edition. moon roof, all leatha interia. i got it at a well wicked price. i paid cash. my cousin, prince murray, as a dealership in da valley. he was well wicked to me.
lone starr- we get da idea. where was she last checked.
roland- she was just passin jupita 2.
lone starr- we'll check a.
roland- please, brin a back safely. and, if it's all possible, try to save da auto. (disappears off t.v.)
barf- one quillion spacebucks. we'll be able to pay off pizza da ut.
lone starr- gimmie paw. bof (hawl dig a aminal) ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

int. vespa's auto - space

spaceball 1 fires their magnetic beam at vespa's auto.
vespa- wus appenin? wus dat glow? we're not movin.
dot- oh, we're movin all right, backwards.

int. eagle 5 - space
lone starr- check, there's our princess. she's got crew.
barf- oh, no, spaceballs. and they've already got a in their magnetic beam. oh, well, we're too late. wot a shame. i'll just throw a in reverse, and we'll get outta in da house. (reaches fa da reverse switch)
lone starr- (stops im) barf. no. wicked.
barf- oh, wot is we doin riskin our lives fa a runaway princess? i know we need da mula...
lone starr- listun. we're not just doin dis fa mula. we're doin it fa a plop load of mula!
barf- oh, yous is right, and whun yous is right, yous is right, and yous, yous is always right. okay, we save a, but ow? da minute we move in there, they're spot us on their radar.
lone star-r uh-uh.
barf- uh-huh.
lone starr- uh-uh.
barf- uh-huh. lone starr uh-uh, not if we jam it.
barf- ah, a! yous is right.
lone starr- down scope.
barf- down scope.

da scope comes down. barf checks through da scope and focuses on da radar.

barf- radar, about to be jammed.

jam comes flyin and crashes da radar.

int. spaceball 1 - space da radar is bonein up. da radar technician is tryin to figure out da problem.
radar tech- (he is makin da sound effects) shit. (makes more sound effects and dials phone) sir? (in microphone)
sandurz- wot is it?
radar tech. (o.s.) (in microphone) can i natta to fa a minute, please, sir.

sandurz & elmet (walk ova to im)
sandurz- well.
radar tech.- (in microphone) me is avin aggro wiv da radar, sir.
sandurz- yous don't need dat, private, we're right in da house. (hangs up microphone) now, wot is it?
radar tech.- (in microphone voice) me is avin aggro wiv radar, sir.
elmet- (rips out da microphone-mask up) now, wot is it?
radar tech.- me is avin aggro wiv da radar, sir.
elmet- wus wrong wiv it?
radar tech.- i've lost da bleeps, i've da lost da sweeps, and i've lost da creeps.
elmet da wot? sandurz da wot?
elmet- and da wot?
radar tech.- yous know. da bleeps, (makes bleeps sounds) da sweeps, (makes sweeps sounds) and da creeps. (makes creeps sounds)
elmet- (to sandurz) innit not all e's lost.
radar tech.- sir. da radar, sir. it appears to be....

jam starts drippin down da screun.

radar tech.- ....jammed.
elmet- jammed? (takes a taste of da jam) raspberry. there's only one geeza who would dare borrow me da raspberry. (pulls down mask) lone starr!

camera hits elmet.

elmet- falls backwards.

int. vespa's auto - space eagle 5 comes in on top of vespa's auto. there's a thump on da auto.

vespa- wot was dat?

barf knocks on da doa.

dot- nevermind dat. wot was dat?

da roof opens revealin barf smilin.

vespa & dot- ah.
vespa- who is yous?
barf- barf.
dot- not in in da house, mista. dis is a mercedes.
barf- na, innit my name. barf.
vespa- barf? wot is yous?
barf- me is a mog. alf-man, alf-dog. me is my own wickedest main man.
vespa- wot do yous dig?
barf- your old geeza ired captain lone starr and me to save ya. c'mon , we gotta op up dis ladda and get outta in da house.
dot- go, urry, quicrest, bitch, follow da aminal.
barf- mog. me is a mog.
vespa- wait. wot about my matched luggage?

barf starts whimperin.

ext. eagle 5 - ladda - space vespa is climbin up, followed by dot, thun barf wiv a load of luggage.

dot- ey. stop checkin up my ass.
barf- sorry.

int. eagle 5 - space lone starr checks back at barf. barf still as a load of luggage on im.
lone starr- checkin in? wot da ell is all dat?
barf- (wif strap in mouf) it's a royal ighness's matched luggage.
lone starr(o.s.)- wot?
barf- (takes strap out of mouf) a royal ighness's matched luggage.
lone starr- matched luggage, uh? wus she think dis is....

barf- its im wiv tail.

lone starr- ....a princess cruise.
barf- well, she wouldn't go without it.
lone starr- oh, yeah? (picks up microphone)

barf its im again.

lone starr- (in microphone) now ear dis, as soon as we get outta ear, da first fin we do is dump da matched luggage.
dot- wot was dat?
vespa- (turns on intercom) now yous ear dis, whoeva yous is, yous will not touch dat luggage, and furthermore, i dig dis bitch-sty cleaned up. i will not be rescued in such filf.
lone starr- (in microphone) listun. on dis ship, i don't take orders, i borrow 'em. dis is my dream boat, sweetheart.
vespa- sweetheart?
dot- uh-oh.
vespa- ow dare yous bang to me dat way. yous will address me in da propa manna as your royal ighness. i am princess vespa, daughta of roland, main man of da druids.
lone starr- oh. innit all we needed, a drewish princess.
barf- wicked. she doesn't check drewish.

int. spaceball 1 - space vespa's auto is comin through da floa. sandurz and elmet come in.

elmet- (mask down) now, we will show a who is in charge of dis galaxy.

guard dongs weapon.
elmet- old it. i'll andle dis personally.
guard- ya-ho, lord elmet.
elmet- (looks at im) so, princess vespa, yous thought yous could outwit da imperious forces of planet spaceball. well, yous were wrong. yous is now our prisona, and yous will eld ostage until such time, as all of da air is transferred from your planet to ours.

elmet opens da doa and checks inside. he lifts is mask up.

elmet- (mask up) she's not in there.

all drop guns and cova their crouch.

voice (o.s.)- radar repaired, sir. we're pickin up da outline of a winnebago.

elmet- winnebago? lone starr. lone starr!

elmet bangs on da auto. da doa falls on im, pushin im inside.

int. eagle 5 - space spaceball 1 is comin on da radar.

lone star-r uh-oh. in da house comes da da wicked year blimp.
barf- we'd betta get outta in da house in a urry.
lone starr- switch to secret yperjets. barf switchin to secret yperjets.
lone starr- (in microphone) buckle up back there, we're goin into yperactive.

int. spaceball 1 - space elmet and sandurz is standin in front. eagle 5 is in front of them.
sandurz- we're closin in on them, sir. in less than minute, lone starr will be ours.
elmet- (mask down) wicked. make to attack.
sandurz- make to attack.
elmet- on da count of three. one, two....

eagle 5 takes off into yperactive.

elmet- wait. (lifts up mask) wot appened? where is dey?
sandurz- me don't ave a clue, sir. dey must ave yperjets on dat fin.
elmet- and wot ave we got on dis fin a quezinart.
sandurz- no, sir.
elmet- well, check them catch them.
sandurz- aye, sir. (ova loudspeaka) make ship fa light speedun.
elmet- no, no, no, light speedun is too slow.
sandurz- light speedun, too slow?
elmet- aye, we're gonna ave to go right to ludicrous speedun.

all gasp. .

sandurz- (gasp) ludicrous speedun? sir, we've neva gone dat fast before. i don't know if dis ship can take it.
elmet- wus da matta, colonel sandurz, chikun?
sandurz- (in igh pitch) make ship, (back to normal) make ship fa ludicrous speedun. fastun all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in da mall, cancel da 3-rin circus, secure all aminals in da zoo....
elmet- (takes da microphone) gimme dat yous peddy excuse fa an offica.

sandurz sits in is seat and buckles up.

elmet- (in microphone) now ear dis, ludicrous speedun....
sandurz- sir, adn't yous betta buckle up.
elmet- aah, buckle dis. (in microphone) ludicrous speedun, go! da ship takes off.

da display lights up: light speedun, ridiculous speedun, and thun ludicrous speedun. elmet is bein pulled back.

elmet- whoaaa! wot ave i done? my brains is goin into my feets.

int. eagle 5 - space spaceball 1 passes ova them leavin a pjiggy shadow.
barf- wot da ell was dat?
lone starr- spaceball 1.
barf- they've gone to plaid.

int. spaceball 1 - space
elmet- we passed them. stop dis fin.
sandurz- we can't stop. it's too dangerous. we ave to slow down first.
elmet- bullshit. just stop dis fin. i orda yous. stooooop!

sandurz pulls on emergency brake which reads, "emergency stop, neva use." da ship stops and elmet goes flyin into a panel.

sandurz- (picks elmet up) is yous all right, sir?
elmet- wicked. ow've yous bin?
sandurz- wicked, sir.
elmet- wicked.
sandurz- it's a wicked fin yous were wearin dat elmet.
elmet- yeah.
sandurz- wot should we do now, sir?
elmet- well, is we stopped?
sandurz- we're stopped, sir.
elmet- wicked. well, why don't we take a five minute chill.
sandurz- well wicked, sir.
elmet- smoke if yous got 'em. (falls forward)

int. eagle 5 - space lone starr take a out of yperactive.
barf- takin' a out of yperactive. (pulls down switch) ah, congrads, main man, we did it. dey must of overshot us by a week and a alf.
lone starr- (laughs) okay, let's set a course fa druidia.
barf- settin' a course fa (eagle 5 starts shakin) drui, ie, ie, ie.
lone starr- wus dat?
barf- i don't know. i don't know. we're losin powa. why? 'cause we're outta gas.
lone starr- we must've burned it up in yperactive.
barf- i told yous we should've put more dat five bucks worf in.
lone starr- okay, we'll ave to set a down. make fa emergency turfin. quicrest, borrow me a readin.
barf- (prays) ow, oh old geeza, be in eavun. thou will be thy name, by kingdom come....
lone starr- will yous stop dat? (in microphone) keep your seat belts fastened back there. yous okay, princess.
vespa- no, yous chief. where'd yous learn ow to fly.
lone starr- okay, eagle 5, comin in.

moon of vega - ext. eagle 5 - desert - day eagle 5 starts comin down on da sands of vega.

int. eagle 5 - desert - day barf is panicin.

barf- ahh. left, right, i mean right. pull up, pull up.

dey crash on a sand dune. vespa gets up.

dot- where yous goin?
vespa- me is goin to tell im off once and fa all.
dot- wwwwwwwait. we'll need im to get us outta in da house.
lone starr- called me an chief? me is goin back there and explain a few fings to a.
dot- besides, e's gotta a fit voice. he might be fit.
barf- yeah, but, yous don't know wot she checks dig.
lone starr- i know wot she checks dig. if you've checked one princess, you've checked 'em all.
vespa- fit? i know these space battys. they're all alike. large, mingin....
lone starr- bucked-toothed, knocked-knees....
vespa- ....bear-swilling, bitchs.
lone starr- ....horse-faced, space aminals. (gets up and goes to da back)
barf- yeah, well, i normally i'd, (gets up wiv seat belt still on) ow, innit gonna leave a mark.
vespa- now listun yous.... lone starr yous listun. on dis ship, yous is to refa to me as chief not yous captain. i mean, yous know wot i mean.
vespa- and yous will not call me yous. yous will neva address me as yous. yous will call me your royal ighness.
lone starr- yous is royal pain in da....
barf- whoa, old it, time.
lone starr & vespa- wot?
barf- may i make a small suggestion? any minute now, spaceballs is gonna make a maja u-turn, ead back dis way, and make us all stiff.
lone starr- e's right. let's go.
vespa- wait. my fings.
lone starr- listun, yous royal....
vespa- mmmm.
lone starr- ....highness. take only wot need to survive.
barf- grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

desert - day vespa is walkin down wiv an umbrella. dot is followin a wiv a cart. lone starr and barf is followin wiv a trunk.

dot- please, slow down. me is gettin sand up my erbal remedys.
barf gees. i ope she didn't forget anythin.
lone starr all right, wait a minute,
barf, put it down. wot da ell's in dis fin.

lone starr opens da trunk and pulls out a massiv air drya.

lone starr wus dis? i said take only wot yous need to survive.
vespa it's my industrial strengf air drya, and i can't live without it.
lone starr okay, princess. innit it. da fairy-tale is ova. ear me now, dis is real-life. yous dig dis spunky-air machine, yous carry it. (drops it in da sand)
vespa yous pick dat up.
lone starr yous pick dat up.
vespa ow dare yous, yous insolent peasant. nobody natters to me dat way. nobody. nobody. (echoes)
lone starr well, wot ave we got in da house? will yous check at a.
barf oooooo.
lone starr those flashy eyes. those flushy cheeks. those tremblin lips. yous know somethin princess, yous is mingin whun yous is menstural.
dot uh-oh.
vespa innit it. yous and your aminal is f....
barf please, please. total umans, droids, if i may. it's goin to be well dark soon, so i suggest we check a place to camp fa da night.
dot come bitch.

dot and vespa walk away pullin some luggage. lone starr and barf walk off wiv da trunk. dey leave da air drya behind.

lone starr check, it's lighta.
barf oh yeah. dis is wickedest. i could carry two of three of these.

int. spaceball 1 - space elmet, sandurz, and corporal is watchin da radar.

elmet (mask down) ave yous found them yet?
corporal no, lord elmet. they're still not on da scanners.
elmet well, keep checkin fa them. (drinks coffee through is mask)
sandurz pardon me, sir. i ave an idea. corporal, get me da video cassette of spaceballs-the movie.
corporal aye, sir.

corporal walks to a wall labeled, "mr. rental." da wall opens. he checks through da selections.

elmet colonel sandurz, may i bang wiv yous, please?
sandurz aye, sir.
elmet (lifts up mask) ow could there be a cassette of spaceballs-the movie. we're still in da middle of makin it.
sandurz innit true, sir, but there's bin a new breakthrough in westside-video marketin.
elmet there as?
sandurz aye. instant cassettes. they're out in stores before da movie is finished.
elmet naaaaa.
corporal in da house it is, sir. spaceballs.
sandurz wicked wurk, corporal. punch it up.

corporal starts da tape. it starts on da fbi warnin.

sandurz started much too early. make to fast-forward.
corporal preparin to fast-forward.
sandurz fast-forward.
corporal fast-forwarding, sir.

starts fast-forwarding through da ludicrous speedun scene. elmet is thrown into da panel at a igh-speed.

elmet nnnnno. go past dis, past dis part. in fact, neva play dis again.
sandurz try in da house. stop. da movie stops at da pacific same fin dat is actually appenin now. elmet checks at da camera, thun he turns back to da monita. sandurz checks at da camera whun elmet checks back at da monita, thun he checks back at da monita. elmet checks at da camera whun sandurz checks back at da monita. whun elmet turns back, he waves is and. he turns back to da camera.

elmet wot da ell am i checkin out? whun does dis appun in da movie?
sandurz now. yous is checkin at now, sir. everythin dat appens now, is appenin now.
elmet wot appened to thun?
sandurz we passed thun?
elmet whun?
sandurz just now. we're at now, now.
elmet go back to thun.
sandurz whun?
elmet now.
sandurz now?
elmet now.
sandurz i can't.
elmet why?
sandurz we missed it.
elmet whun?
sandurz just now.
elmet whun will thun be now?

corporal rewinds da tape. he stops at da point whun lone starr, barf, vespa, and dot is walkin through da desert.

sandurz soon.
elmet ow soon?
corporal sir.
elmet wot?
corporal we've identified their location.
elmet where?
corporal it's da moon of vega.
sandurz wicked wurk. set a course, and make fa our arrival.
elmet whun?
corporal nineteun-hundred ours, sir.
sandurz by igh-noon, tomorrow, dey will be our prisoners.
elmet oooooo. (mask falls down)

desert - night dot is go to me juliein wiv a light goin dat says, "sleep mode." vespa is cold and tryin to keep warm. lone starr offers a is tommy hilfinga.

vespa no thank yous. me is perfectly all right.
lone starr take it. it's freezin (puts da jacket on a)
vespa if yous insist. (smells da alcohol on da tommy hilfinga) won't yous be cold?
lone starr na, cold neva bothers me.
vespa i can't seem to check druidia.
lone starr it's right there.
vespa where?
lone starr right there. (points to a blue star) it's dat bright, blue one, right there. check?
vespa oh, yeah. but it's so far away.
lone starr don't worry. i'll get ya there.
vespa which one's yours?
lone starr who knows.
vespa yous don't know where your from?
lone starr not for real. i was found on da doorstep of a monastery.
vespa monastery? where?
lone starr somewhere in da ford galaxy.
vespa well, didn't da monks tell yous who your parents?
lone starr dey couldn't. dey took a vowel of silence. all i got was dis.

he pulls a medallion out from is shirt. it as some type of writin.

lone starr it was around my neck.
vespa wot is it?
lone starr i don't know. i've takun it to every wise geeza in da universe. no one can tell me wot it means.
vespa it's wicked. yous know i.... it's wicked.
lone starr puts da medallion back in is shirt. lone starr so, ow come yous ran away from your weddin?
vespa well, if yous must know, i wasn't in dig wiv da groom.
lone starr why were yous gonna marry im?
vespa coz, me is a princess, and i ave to marry a prince.
lone starr ah, and he doesn't do it fa yous, uh?
vespa no, he doesn't do it fa me. i for real must go back. i shouldn't ave run away. i realize, now, dat dig is one luxury a princess cannot afford.
lone starr yous is probably right.
vespa i know, now, dat i must live without dig.
lone starr i guess so.
vespa besides, dig isn't dat important.
lone starr naaa, neva was.
vespa i could be perfectly chilled da chill of my life without dig. (looks at im)
lone starr sure yous could.
vespa without physical contact.
lone starr yeah.
vespa without bein eld. (moves closa to im)
lone starr yeah. (moves in closa)
vespa or kissed.
vespa and lone starr is about to kiss whun an alarm starts goin off. dot's virgin alarm is goin off.

barf (wakes up) abandon ship. abandon ship. wimin and mogs first.

dot walks ova to vespa and lone starr.

dot we'll ave none of dat, mista. (to vespa) ow far did he get? where'd he touch? where'd he touch?
vespa nothin appened.
lone starr wot da ell was dat noise?
dot dat was my virgin alarm. it's programmed to go off before yous do. yous get back to bed, miss. and as fa yous, riding the punanni-fiend....
lone starr all right. all right. If you ever do dat agen Ill mangul dat alarm of yours. let's all get some go to me julie. we gotta get movin before dawn.
barf why so early?
lone starr coz, we're in da middle of da desert, and we're not gonna get far once dat blazin sun gets overhead.

dissolve to: a blazin sun. barf's voice wicked dissolve. desert - mornin lone starr is walkin, followed by barf, dot, thun vespa. dey is all gettin wrecked.
lone starr wata, wata.
barf (pantin) wata.
dot oil, oil.
vepsa room mend, room mend.

dissolve to: a blazin sun. desert - day lone starr is carryin vespa. barf is carryin dot. vespa and dot is asleep. barf and lone starr is for real wrecked.
barf i can't, i can't, i can't go, i can't go any furtha. i can't go any furtha.
lone starr just one more dune to go.
barf nope. yous said dat three dunes ago. i got no more left. oh, waita, check please. (falls down)
lone starr must go on. must go on. must go on. who am i kiddin. (drops vespa thun falls down)

da dinks walk on da screun. dey is short people wiv gold-brownish skin.

dinks (sin) dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink....

dinks check lone starr, vespa, barf, and dot lyin on da ground. dey go to their aid.

dinks dink dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. dinks split up and start givin wata and oil to vespa, lone starr, barf, and dot.
dink (wif barf) dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. barf's tail starts waggin. dink dink, dink, dink, dink.
barf oh, fanks little geeza. (starts lappin da wata)
lone starr thank yous.
dinks dink, dink, dink.
lone starr did i miss somethin? whun did we get to disneyland?

lone starr, vespa, dot, and barf is bein led by da dinks to somewhere.
dinks (sin) dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.

desert - elmet's cruisa - day elmet and sandurz is in a cruisa. elmet is standin up, checkin though binoculars. he as different type of uniform wiv a different type of elmet.
elmet (mask on) i don't check them, sandurz.
sandurz i've sent da troops on up to vecta 78, sir.
elmet wicked. let's get movin.
sandurz aye, sir. driva, make to move out.
elmet wot is yous preparin. yous is always preparin. just go!
sandurz just go.
driva aye, sir.
sandurz sir, shouldn't yous sit down.

da cruisa takes off, and elmet is thrown in is seat.

ext. temple - day da dinks is openin a secret doa in da sand, and lead lone starr, barf, vespa, and dot inside. dey walk down a set of stairs. int. temple - day

dinks dink, dink, dink. dink, dink, dink.
barf wot is dey sayin'?
vespa well, it's obvious dey dig us to go wiv them.

dey start walkin down a tunnel wiv a massiv statue at da end.

vespa wot is dis place?
barf it checks dig da temple of doom.
dot sure ain't temple bethresel.
lone starr c'mon. i think we'd betta follow 'em.

steam starts comin out of da ears of da statue.

barf ah-oh. i think we woke it up.
dot bo, geezerss. (turns around and starts runnin to da doa) let me know ow it turns out.
vespa comeback in da house, dot. we need yous.
lone starr c'mon, we gotta keep goin.
vespa wus gonna appun now?
lone starr don't ask, maybe it won't.
barf well, wot if it does? i don't about know about yous, but me is all fa leavin. i think we oughtta get outta in da house....

fire comes out of da statue's eyes. lone starr, vespa, dot, & barf wow!

yogurt's voice silence! who dares let it rip da sacred and awesome presence of da everlastin know-it-all, yogurt.
lone starr, vespa, dot, & barf yogurt?

da batty of da statue opens up. a small geeza about 3 feets tall comes out.
yogurt yous eard of me?
lone starr eard of ya? who ain't of yogurt?
vespa yogurt, da wise.
dot yogurt, da all powerful.
barf yogurt, da magnificent.
yogurt please, please, don't make a fuse. me is just plain yogurt.
lone starr but yous is da one....
yogurt aye. i am da keepa of a greata magic. a powa known throughout da universe, known as....
barf da force?
yogurt no. da schwartz.
lone starr, vespa, dot, & barf da schwartz?
yogurt aye. da schwartz.

To be continued.....